Please Move Slowly
by It'sAllGooeyAndSticky
Summary: Karen isn't feeling very well, and has a bar full of very sexist pigs, including Cartman, Stan and Kenny. A lot of warnings for strong language, and squic. Please read with humor. Do not be offended.


**Please Move Slowly**

Sometimes, I get into these moods, where I feel very depressed. I feel like my life is stagnant. I haven't gotten anywhere with it, I haven't done anything with it, and I'm still living in South Park. Where it's almost as if the evolutionary clock ticks backwards. This was one of those days.

I went to bed, and I had a dream about my whole entire life. And somehow, Kenny was always in it. It was one of those dreams that has no words or sound in it, you know. Just moving pictures, and gestures.

I dreamed about my birthdays that I could remember. I dreamed about lunch in the elementary school. My middle school years. Mysterion bailing me out of being bullied, or getting in trouble with my mom and dad. I dreamed about high school. Kenny was only three years older than me. I swear he was always protecting or taking care of me in some way. He did it in real life, and I got to see him do it all over again in the dream. I dreamt about his graduation, my graduation, and I dreamt about getting my first apartment with the most unreliable roommates. Ruby tucker, and two other girls I knew from school. I decided I wasn't going to move out of that apartment, so Kenny moved in after they moved out. The rent got a little higher, but we could still afford it.

I swear we became heterosexual life partners. You know, we really didn't love each other that way because squick, but we also really didn't know what we would do without each other.

I remember the first time I got my period. Uh oh. This topic is not for the sensitive. Everyone who's a wimp run and hide. No really. The reason I bring this up, is because I was so freaked out. The sex education South Park elementary gives you isn't exactly very well put together. The PE coach takes the boys, and the music teacher takes the girls, since Mr. Garrison can't teach jack shit. Oh no. I just swore. Someone call the cops.

Anyway, since no one taught me anything, I was so freaked out. I really hated it. The world felt like it was all against me, and my stomach felt like it was being ripped in two. With a double edged knife. I know…, great imagery. Deal with it. Kenny had to comfort me and tell me why what was happening was happening. The worst part was, I was a late bloomer. One night I was sixteen, and still flat chested. The next day, I was miraculously bleeding, but I was still alive, and I had stubble where stubble doesn't go. A week later, I was an A cup. Man what a year. I hated it. But that's not why I'm telling you this story. No. It all started today when I woke up.

My stomach was hurting so badly, I wanted to throw up. I really wanted to just empty it out. Or reach in there and get my ovaries and rip them out. Again with the gross imagery, I know. Get used to it.

"Karen, hon'?" said a voice as Kenny came walking in. "You've been laying there for quite some time. You need help?" he asked. "You feeling all right?"

"No, Kenny. I'm really not." I said softly.

"Jesus, Kare, you're sweating bullets! You want me to make you some lemon tea with honey, just how you like it?" he asked.

"Put some brandy in it." I gasped.

"Oh dear." Kenny said as he left the room. "Want me to run down to the store and pick you up some Midol?" he asked from the kitchen.

"There should still be some in the medicine cabinet." I whispered.

"Karen?" he asked.

"There should still be some in the medicine cabinet!" I shouted as tears fell from my face. Man this hurts. "Tell me again why I can't get my tubes tied? I am not having children!"

"Because we can't afford that." Kenny said from the kitchen. "Besides, I hear you still get the curse anyway. The only way to avoid that is to get a hysterectomy." He advised.

"I heard about those." I said as I lay there sweating. "I am not doing that. I'd rather suffer through the pain."

"It's not like they're outside organs." Kenny said as he took the tea out of the microwave. "I mean, they're not like balls hanging from the man's under belly. You can't even see the…, what they're taking out."

"Uterus, Kenny. Say it, I know you can." I said in a sing song voice.

"So talk to me, babe. Why can't you do it?" Kenny asked.

"Because I really don't want to." I said as I tried to sit up. "Ugh." I fell back onto the bed.

"I heard they make women completely different. I mean. You're talking about someone going in there and ripping out a lot of organs. It's not just two balls, or a cord or some tubes. You're talking about the uterus, the ovaries, and all the wiring that goes along with them." I said bitterly.

"So? We get vasectomies all the time." Kenny said as he came in with tea. "I have one."

"Yeah…, but testosterone is still running through your body. You weren't really castrated. It's like castrating a woman. I hear creepy things about them. Like how the woman's emotions get all funky, and she can't do what she used to."

"So what? You worried you won't be able to orgasm? Or feel something down there?"

"Kenny, I'm talking about feeling my emotions. It's not all about sex, you know." I said as he handed me the tea.

"Well, I hate to see you like this, Karen. You're my little sister, and I really don't want to see you in pain." He said sighing.

"I really can't say much. I hear there's worse things. There's birth giving. That's pretty bad." I said as I took my first sip. "You brew a mean tea, McCormick." I said smirking at my older brother.

"Thanks." He said smiling as I sipped my drink again.

The tea he gave me with the medicine made me feel a lot better. I managed to get out of bed and into the shower an hour after that. He had gone to work at the body shop, and I would start my job at the bar around four in the afternoon. I had plenty of time to have the house to myself.

At about ten in the morning, the bell rang. I opened it, and found Ruby standing there. She was holding a big bag of chocolate.

"Kenny texted me, and told me to come check up on yuh." She said as she pushed her way in.

"Come in." I said as she closed the door behind her. "No, I'm not busy." I added pretending she was asking me a question.

"Good. Because I have to talk to you." She said as she and I headed into the living room.

"What?" I asked as I laid down on the couch and she sat against my belly.

"Mark dumped me." She said sadly. "He says he's tired of long distance relationships."

"So this chocolate is for you, not for me?" I asked.

"No. You can have some if you want." She said as she opened the bag. "I got you snickers since I know you like those. … Or was it milky way?" she asked as she pulled out another bag from her purse. "I got both. I like snickers. So if you don't like those, I'll take them." She said as she opened both bags.

"Oh all right." I said as I took a piece of candy from her. "I just hate being here, you know. I'm crampy, bloaty, and bloody down there." I moaned.

"I'll keep you company. You taking a day off today?" she asked.

"Ruby, I'm on my period. Not laid up with a broken back. I think I can handle my shift at the bar." I said smiling. "Besides, the pain should clear up in a while anyway."

"We both know that's bull. You're a heavy bleeder," Ruby observed. "and you cramp from the moment you start until the very end." She said sighing.

"Well, yeah. But that doesn't mean I'm taking a day off." I muttered as I closed my eyes. "Anyways, tell me about Mark. Are you all right?" I asked. "You feel like talking?"

"I'm fine. He was running around on me. Why else would he break up with me like that? Long distance relationship my ass. Denver is at most an hour away." She said bitterly. "I deserve better anyway, and if men can't see that, then fuck them. That's what I say." She said smiling.

"Wow. Your first serious relationship where the guy actually dated you for two years, and you feel this calmly about it?" I asked concerned. "Either you're about ready to go postal on some people, or you really are a relaxed secure person." I guessed.

"Really, Karen. I don't feel bad. I can find another guy. The college is full of them. I am smart, I apply myself. I'm not that dumb, though. I'm no fool. If you are going to run around boy howdy, it won't be on me." She said with a smile in her voice.

"Boy howdy?" I asked as I rolled onto my stomach. I felt a gush of blood run onto my padding.

"Hey! I was resting on you." She complained.

"Boo hoo. I'm cramping. Get a different sitting place." I groaned. "Really, Ruby. You wanna talk about it?" I asked.

"No, Karen, I am not joking. I feel fine. I can get myself a date tonight if I really wanted to." She said smiling. "I really do feel fine. Trust me. If that guy really didn't want to be with me, then fine. He lost something really good."

"Well, that's good of you to know, Ruby. You've got a lot of spunk." I said smiling at her.

"So, talk to me about you." She said softly. "You hear the rumors going around about you and Kenny?" she asked.

"Um, I can't say I have. But I'm sure you'll tell me." I said as I sat up.

"There's a rumor floating around that you guys are like that brother and sister couple on Game Of Thrones." She said softly.

"No!" I said as I stood up. "Hell no! Are you kidding? No!"

"So…, are you a lesbian?" she asked.

"No. I'm just asexual." I said smiling.

"There's no such thing." Ruby said smiling. "You have to have sex at some point in your life."

"You know, I just don't like sex." I said smiling at her. "It's not for everyone. Just like monogamy, or homosexuality isn't for everyone."

"So have you ever even kissed a guy?" she asked.

"No." I said truthfully. "One time, I hugged Jack Anderson." I said smiling. "That felt sort of good, but I never kissed anyone or anything. So why are you asking me all this? Who started this rumor?" I asked.

"Cartman." We both said at the same time.

"Yes. The South Park gossip." I muttered. "I should go over there and kick his ass."

"No. He's way bigger than you." Ruby said bitterly. "But Karen, before we get off the subject…, he made some valid points. I mean, Kenny did take you to your prom. Your girl's choice dance. Your snow ball. I mean, he was there for you during a lot of times you'd expect lovers to be there for you in. And you two are living together. Alone. With no one around."

"Get your dirty mind off the subject, Ruby. He is my brother. I have never thought about him that way." I said smirking as I blushed.

"Well, I saw your notebooks in high school. You used to have a mondo crush on Mysterion. You do know Kenny—"

"—Yes I know Kenny is Mysterion." I said as I started to laugh. "But I am telling you, I grew out of that. It was a phase." I explained.

"You and I are best friends." Ruby said softly. "You'd tell me…, if anything happened?" she asked softly.

"You know I would, Ruby." I said as I looked at her. She had tears in her eyes.

"What's wrong, chick?" I asked as I wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"I just feel like, you're a real introvert, you know, and you're missing out on all sorts of things. You know, I just want to always be your best friend. You are a really neat girl, and you've taught me a lot about myself as a woman, and an individual. You're the only reason I'm not all torn up inside right now about the break up." She said as she wiped her eyes.

"So…, what are you all torn up about?" I asked softly. "Because you are unhappy."

"I talked to Wendy testaberger. She and Bebe have drifted apart. Wendy is a cool chick. I mean, You are just like her. Feminist, girl with attitude. Karen, you're a bitch. I just don't want us to drift apart like those two did. They were joined at the hip at one point. So were we." She said as she started to cry.

"Look at you. I'm the one on my period, and you're the basket case." I said as I wrapped my arms around her. "I promise, I will always be here for you. You and I go way back. Bebe is a slut. She is really sleazy. Not someone Wendy wants to hang out with. Shit happens. That doesn't mean it'll happen to us." I said as I held her.

"I know nothing about you. If you've ever dated. Or kissed a boy. If you're a virgin."

"I have dated. I have not kissed a boy. I am a virgin." I said smiling.

"I just feel like I tell you all my boy problems and you don't." she said softly.

"Well, sweetheart, there haven't been any boy problems to tell. I dated in high school, decided it wasn't for me, and left it alone."

"You ever been with a girl?" she asked.

"No. That doesn't attract me. You?" I asked as I gave her a tissue.

"No. I don't roll that way. I have lesbian friends. But I don't swing that way." She said as I let her go. "So, you really don't have anything to tell me?" she asked softly. "I feel like we're missing something." She confessed.

"I've watched porn." I said as I laid back down. "But I don't really get turned on." I confessed.

"You have to have something that makes you feel good. Something that gets you going." Ruby said as she laid down beside me.

"I really don't have that." I said softly. "At first I thought it was deviant, but it's just another part of me. I don't have any turn ons." I said softly.

"What about Kenny?" she asked again.

"I mean when I was in middle school, I had a huge crush on him, and when I was in high school, I googled all about incest. But it's a phase. I grew out of it, and I am fine now." I confessed.

"You had a crush on your brother?" she asked.

"You know it." I said smiling. "He knows, too. I told him."

"So, did you guys ever do anything?" she asked.

"No. We didn't. Surrounded by all that alcohol, and parents yelling all the time, there's no private place."

"So what about now?" she asked.

"Well, Kenny just kind of does his own thing. He's always been a player. He doesn't cheat on them. But he does date a lot of girls. They all know my brother. He's not settling down. SO they don't really make an effort to fall in love with him. Wendy is perhaps the only one he hasn't hit yet." I said smirking again. "And you know a while back he dated Kyle, and they broke up. That really fucking messed him up."

"So when did you tell Kenny about how you felt?" she asked.

"When I was a senior and he and I came home from my graduation. I realized he'd been there for every crucial event in my life, and I told him. He laughed, said it was normal, and he thought I was cute. Then that was that. Then for my twenty-first birthday, I got really wasted. Remember? You were there. We almost made out on a dare. Kenny took me home afterword's, and I told him everything. Then, I drank some more wine, and I passed out. I woke up the next day, and I was fine." I said smiling. "I'm twenty-six now, and that subject has never come up again." I said smiling at her with a squeeze to her shoulder.

"Wow. I can't believe Cartman started all this crap." She said sighing.

"Cartman told everyone last week that Jimbo fucks deer." I said bitterly. "He's always trying to start some shit." I said as I ate some more chocolate.

"I guess. But you have to admit, this is pretty close to home." She said sighing.

"I'm sure he'll be on some other shit tonight. He always goes down to the bar and gives me some kind of crap. And today is Tuesday night. Stan, Kenny, Cartman and the guys all have their poker night at the bar." I said bitterly. "Cartman will be down there harassing me." I predicted sitting up.

Ruby and I sat and talked about everything under the sun for the next two hours. We had lunch, courtesy of her. She went to pick us up some Chinese food. She's a nice girl that way.

Soon though, she was leaving. Before I knew it, I was all alone again. I sighed, and curled up to go to sleep. I was back in my bed, and back in my pajamas. I was not happy. I closed my eyes.

"Karen?" said a soft voice. "Karen? Honey, wake up. Karen? Karen? Karen." I felt a shake to my shoulders, and I opened my eyes.

"Tell me you have a very good reason for waking me up." I said looking into my brother's eyes. "I am in pain, and I haven't slept good for ages. You better, A. have morphine, or B. have a very good reason for waking me up right now."

"It's almost time for you to go to work." He said softly.

"Oh. Yeah, that's a good reason." I said as I sat up.

"You finished your tea." He observed.

"And as soon as I did, I felt like crap again. I swear it's the heat making my pain go away."

"I wondered." He said as I passed him on my way to the bathroom.

"You're bleeding through your clothing." He explained.

"Crap. I'll be back to wash the sheets in a bit." I moaned.

"I've got it." he said softly behind me.

I quickly jumped into the shower, and tried not to take as long as I always did. I felt like such shit.

"You wanna ride to work?" he asked.

"Sure." I muttered.

Before I knew it, Kenny was saying goodbye to me as I put on an apron and got ready for the day's shift. I had a tea sitting at the bar for me to drink.

"Hey, pretty lady." Said Kevin as he came walking in. "Bonnie told me to give you this." He said as he handed me a box.

I looked at the label. "Hey. Sleepy medication." I said smirking. "Just what I needed. Hydrocodone." I said as I stuffed it into my purse. "Tell her I said thanks." I said as I looked around. "Now, want anything? Or not? Because it's a busy day today, and I have to keep things moving."

"No. I'm leaving. Bonnie and I have reservations upstairs at the Donovan's." he explained.

"Well, tell her I said hi. You two don't have too much fun." I said as I watched him leave.

Just then, the doors to the bar opened, and in came Clyde himself. He looked nice in his suit and pressed tie.

"Hey, Clyde?" I asked smiling.

"You the only one here?" he asked.

"Token and Georgie should be here any moment now." I said sighing. "I'm sure they're in the back." I said as I looked at the clock. "What's the matter?" I asked.

"Well, I have some very important guests upstairs in the restaurant. I know that today is Tuesday, and the boys will be here for poker night. I really want to make a good impression on these people, because they are advertisers who could give me more business. This means more business for you guys as well." He added.

"So what's your point?" I asked grimacing. "You're boring me."

"My point is, that we can hear everything you guys are saying through one of the vents, and I really would not want to treat my rich folks to hearing about Cartman's latest sexcapades, or Kenny's latest threesome. I also don't want to treat my guests to talk about the US government, or abortion. Your bar always talks about hot topics that might make my guests very uncomfortable here." He explained as I walked over to one of the vents.

"I believe this is the vent you speak of?" I asked.

"Yes." He said bitterly. "Just make sure no one with a loud mouth is sitting there, and we'll get along just fine." He said as he turned to leave.

"Eeek! Eeek! There's a rat! There's a really huge rat!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

There was a rumbling upstairs like I've never heard before. The place sounded like there was a million horses. Dust particles started showering down from the ceiling as the people upstairs moved around.

Clyde was seething. "I am waiting for the day I can put this bar out of business, and you on the street, Miss McCormick." He said softly. "I hate you."

"I hate me too, Clyde. Nice doing business with you." I said with a chuckle.

"What's going on at the Donovan's place?" asked a man as he came walking into the bar. "I saw a group of really rich old ladies rushing out shouting about how this place was full of garbage, and this was a rotten idea."

"Oh, they probably took one look at Clyde's sense of style, and left." I said as I snickered. "I know it wasn't my fault. That's for sure. What'll you have, Arnie?" I asked smiling.

"I'll take a Gin and Tonic." He said as he sat at the bar. "Say, Missy, you look really pale today. You all right?" he asked.

"No, not really. I don't feel well." I said truthfully as the bar started to fill up.

"Oh dear. I'd stay home if I were you."

"I know, Arnie. But I can't do that. I can't afford to lose a day's work." I said sadly. "Don't worry, though. It's nothing contagious." I said smiling at him.

"Well, here you go for all your trouble." He said as he gave me a five.

"Well, thank you, Arnie." I said smiling at him.

"Hey, how come you don't tip us like that?" Georgie asked as he came up behind me and gave him his Gin and Tonic.

"I've got boobs, Georgie." I said smirking as I tucked the five in my apron.

"I heard she once fired a man for getting his drink wrong during one of those times." Cartman said as he and a bunch of guys came walking in. Kenny and Stan among them.

"Miss?" asked a lady coming up to me. "Can I get a martini, please?" she asked.

"Coming right up." I said as I headed to make the drink.

"What are we talking about?" Georgie asked.

"Oh nothing. My wife called." Stan said bitterly. "She's really upset, and happy, and lonely, and overcrowded. It's her time of the month. I decided to avoid her until next week if I can help it." Stan said as he looked at the ground. "Women on their period are just too much to handle."

"That's why we shouldn't ever have a woman president." Georgie said as I came out of the back. "She would start a world war and we'd all be doomed." He observed.

"Excuse me!" I said as I handed the lady her drink. "I am sorry, ma'am. I have a house full of sexist pigs." I said as I saw her grimace at the men.

"Well, Karen, it's true." Cartman said bitterly. "Women get really bitchy, demanding, and nasty when they're on their periods." He added bitterly.

"Maybe because they're surrounded by all of you clowns as husbands." I said as I glared at them.

"I am so sorry to all the women in here." I said bitterly. "Men have no brains. One man says something, they feel like they all have to agree just to look good in front of each other."

"I know, right?" asked a lady who was getting her purse to leave. "It's a macho thing."

"We do not!" Kenny shouted bitterly.

"Kenny, you of all people know that Eric is full of shit. Yet you're not standing up to him. Everything he says, you're just nodding your head." I said bitterly as I started making the next order I got.

"Look, Karen, you don't need to get all upset." Said one of the regulars as he looked over at me. "Women are just made that way. I think God's a woman. He made you girls like that so we could be miserable for not being able to give birth like you guys."

"I wouldn't be talking, Curtis." I said snidely. "You've never been able to get a woman, so what do you know?" I asked bitterly.

The place filled with ooo's and aw's. I went back to my drink making.

"I just have one more thing to say and then I'll drop it." Cartman said bitterly.

"Liar." I said smirking. "But what, Eric? What brilliant thing could you possibly have to say?" I asked as I looked around at all the guys.

"Girls are lucky they get periods. They have an excuse to yell and bitch all the time. We have to be the men. We have to be strong. We can't cry, or get mad, or punch walls out or anything."

"Yeah!" they all said bitterly.

"Excuse me? You guys can get mad all you want!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "No one is holding your emotions hostage. It's not our fault you all have some pride issue that says, "Oh if I get mad or cry, I'm not manly enough!" That's all your doing!" I shouted bitterly. "You know what? We don't have it so lucky. We can't be sad or feel emotional because it's always, "Oh, it's her time of the month. Oh, I bet it's that time of the month for her. Oh, I wonder if she's on the rag!" You guys are all a bunch of sexist pieces of shit." I said bitterly.

"I didn't say anything!" Arnie shouted hurt.

"You don't count, Arnie. You've been married, and you don't think like these pigs." I said bitterly. "Honestly, I would expect better of all of you. But it's like, once Eric Cartman starts talking, you all prefer to follow him, than stick up for your wives." I said as I felt my blood running fast through my veins.

"Karen, honey, are you all right?" Cartman asked sadly. "Is it your time of the month too?" he asked.

"Shove it up your ass, fat boy." I muttered as I handed a man his drink.

"May I get a boiler?" asked a man as he walked up to me.

For the rest of that day, I had to sit there, and watch these guys play poker, and talk about really terrible things. I don't mean terrible as in sad, or horrible about the world. I mean sexist things. They were really talking like they knew women. If I chimed in every single time, I'd never get my work done.

"Mrs. Marsh." I said as I spotted her walking up to me. "What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Came to have a couple drinks with Randy." She said sighing. "You know. It's the "Date night." Shtick he tries to sell me." She said as Randy came in behind her.

"Hello, Kenny. Hey Karen." He said as he sat down at the bar.

"What's it going to be?" I asked as I got ready to take their orders.

"I'll have a margarita." Randy said smartly.

"I'll have a soda." Said Sharon as she sat down.

"You sure?" Randy asked smirking at her.

"I'm sure, Randy." She said bitterly.

Tomorrow was a new day. I told myself that as I kept making drinks. Tomorrow they would all pay. Especially if I had anything to do with it.

"Karebear…, you mad at me?" Kenny asked as he and I entered the apartment after my shift.

"Karen?" he asked again.

I walked steadily to the kitchen, deposited my thermos, and walked back to the bathroom. I could feel myself full, and knew I needed to change before I overflowed into my pants.

"Karen?" he asked softly. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Put your balls in a blender." I ordered.

"I didn't murder new born children, Karen! I just didn't stick up for you! Besides, what are you all mad about at me for? Cartman started it."

"Kenny, I am sick and tired of all the men saying the same thing every single day. I am sick of all the meek little women out there who believe the shit they're fed. Okay, so our hormones peak during the time of the month. Does that mean every single woman is made the same and they all get PMS equally? Does that mean every woman's a bitch and moody? No! Yet for some dumb ass reason, every submissive woman on the planet, and every bull headed man on earth, thinks that this is true. Some even use it as an excuse to be assholes to others. I don't need an excuse to be an asshole. I don't have to hide behind my bloody ovaries. I am an asshole because I choose to be. Not because every month things get out of control."

"That's what I'm saying!" Kenny shouted as he got ready for bed. "So go take it up with Cartman!"

"Kenny, you're missing the fucking point." I said bitterly.

"Can you enlighten me then? Because I really hate it when you're mad at me."

"Look at this. We're fighting like an old married couple. Maybe Eric was right about somethings." I said uncomfortably as I turned my back on him.

"What was he right about?" Kenny asked confused.

"Leave me alone, Kenny." I ordered as I walked into the bathroom with fresh things.

"Will you at least tell me why I'm supposed to be in the dog house tonight?" he asked. "I have a right to know."

"Because you are a dumbass. No. There isn't a word clever slash bad enough to describe what you are. I am so mad slash disappointed in you." I said bitterly.

"I'll leave it alone, then. I don't want you to be mad slash disappointed at me, because I really don't know slash care what I did wrong." He said sighing. "I just want to go to bed."

"Then get out of here." I said as I got ready to close the door on him.

"I love you." He said softly.

"Kick rocks, Ken." I whispered softly. "I know how to use your revolver."

The next day I woke up with the same damn cramps as I had last night. I hardly got any sleep. I couldn't take the hydrocodone because I needed to get up to go to work. I was afraid if I took it I'd sleep through everything.

"Karen?" asked a soft voice. "I brought you some tea." Kenny said shyly as he came wandering in.

"Oh, hey, thanks big brother." I said smiling at him. "You're such a saint. I'm so lucky to have a brother like you. You know everything to make me feel better." I said sighing as I took the tea from him. "I can't wait to enjoy this—" I stopped as I stared at the tea.

"What?" he asked looking at me. "What's wrong?"

"This tea is too bland."

"You haven't even tasted it yet." He said softly.

"Kenny, are you contradicting me? I can't smell the tea or the lemon, or the honey."

"Does honey even have a smell?" he asked. "Karen, I brewed it just like you like it. I steeped a bag of tea for five minutes in eight ounces of water, I put in a wedge of lemon, and I put in four tea spoons of honey. What's the deal?" he asked.

"I'll try it. But I won't like it." I said as I took a sip. "I was right!" I shouted bitterly. "I was right! It's too sweet!

"You just said it was too bland!" he said aghast. "Karen—"

"I am in pain here!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "How come is it that I can't get what I want?!" I started to cry. "Now I have to get up and make myself a tea because my good-for-nothing brother couldn't even do it right! I bet your dick is like this in bed! I bet you can't even get it up!"

"Karen, that's mean!" shouted Kenny sounding hurt.

"Fuck you! Get out of my room, if you're not going to make me some tea!" I shouted as I got out of bed.

Kenny ran off to make another tea, and I drank the one I kept. I tossed the disposable cup in the trash.

I went into the bathroom, and took a shower. This time, I took my time.

"Karen, dear, I have your tea." Kenny said into the bathroom.

"Put it on the vanity, big brother." I said as I stood there letting the water hit me.

"You feeling better?" he asked.

"Yes. Much. My stomach doesn't hurt when it's under hot water." I said smiling. "If only I could take this to work with me."

"When you come out of there, I have a gift for you." He said as he sat down on the toilet seat.

"Kenny?" I asked as I turned off the water four minutes later.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Do you think I'm pretty?" I asked with tears in my eyes.

"Sure. I guess." He said confused.

"You don't think I'm pretty." I said as tears welled in my eyes.

"I didn't say that! I think you look nice!" he said as he stood up and turned to leave.

"But not pretty?" I asked as I started to cry.

"Karen, I'm your brother. I can't really have that kind of opinion." He said as he left the room.

"I hate you too!" I sobbed as I started to towel off. "I wish I'd never been born." I sobbed as I hurried up.

"Karen, I think you're pretty, yes. But as your brother, I can't really have those thoughts. If you weren't my sister, I'd sleep with you."

"Kenny, you are such a pervert!" I shouted turning off the water works.

"What?" he gasped. "Karen, you just asked me—"

"—All you think about, is sex! I don't believe you!" I shouted bitterly. "Don't even speak to me!" I spat.

"I'm going to work." He said as he got ready to go.

"Bring me back a yo-yo." I said with a goofy grin.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I have a little something that might help you." Kenny said as he walked into his room.

He came out with a plastic bag, and handed it to me. I stuffed my hand in the bag, and pulled out a frog. I gasped. Oh, he was adorable. He was an aroma therapy/comfort pet. I couldn't believe it. I could use this to put it over my belly, or my back during cramps. At least when I was laying down.

"I hate frogs!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "I can't believe you would even consider getting me this, stupid stinky dink animal! I hate frogs, Kenny!"

"But you love frogs!" he shouted.

"Don't try to tell me what I do and don't love!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"Do you want me to return it?" he asked taking it back from me.

"No. It's too late, you already bought it. Just let it go. I'll give it away or buy another one. You can't return this one. I won't let you." I said as I took it back from him.

"I'm going to work, sis." He said as he grabbed his coat and wallet. "I have my phone if you need me, don't forget your tea on the vanity in the bathroom." He added as an afterthought.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you again, Kenny." I said dreamily. "I love you."

"Ugh." He sighed. "I love you, too." He said as he left.

I watched him go down the two steps and get into his truck. I smirked as I watched him drive away. I was doing so well. Next came phase dos.

"Hey, Karen." Georgie said as I got ready for the day's shift.

"Don't snap at me." I said bitterly.

"Uh, I didn't." he said as he looked at his shoes.

"I'm so sorry, Georgie. I just…, I haven't been feeling too good. You know, it's that time of the month for me." I said sighing.

"You're joking?" he asked confused.

"Oh, no. You can look in my purse if you want. Or I can pull down my pants right here."

"Please spare me." Georgie said as he looked astounded at the ground.

The door opened and in came Clyde. He looked like he wanted to try and concentrate on taking a long poop.

"Hello, Clyde." I said smiling at him.

"Hello, Miss McCormick. Georgie, can I please have a moment alone with…, Karen?" Clyde asked bitterly.

"BOTL, PMS." Georgie said as he walked out of the room.

"What's the word, Clyde?" I asked smiling.

"I wanted to apologize for all the stuff I said about putting this bar out of business yesterday. I didn't mean it." he said softly.

"Yes you did, big guy." I said grinning at him. "But I didn't mean to upset your business upstairs. I do apologize for that." I said truthfully.

"Yes, you did, girlie." He said as he smiled at me. "I guess it's really hard to be owning a restaurant above this bar. You get some of the most disgusting clientele." He said sighing.

"Cartman." We both said at the same time.

"I know. I tried banning him. But he always comes back. And he has money. So we can't really refuse him." I said sadly.

"I can't refuse him either." Clyde said bitterly. "But the difference is, my restaurant has a dress code, and a quiet rule." He said smirking.

"You've figured out how to control the grown child." I said grimacing. "Congratulations. Anyway, I can't really control what happens at this bar as much as you can control what happens at your place." I said sadly. "Trust me, I'd love to. But I can't."

"I guess I could put a sign on my door that gives a warning about the place down stairs." He said smiling at me. "We all right?" he asked.

"Yes. I say we are. You?" I asked as I stretched out my hand.

"I say we are as well." He said shaking it.

"How come you didn't want Georgie in here for that?" I asked.

"Because Georgie doesn't give me as much attitude as you do. With you, it doesn't even have to be the time of the month. You're just a girl full of spunk and moxy. I like that." He said smiling at me.

"You don't really believe that trash about PMS do you?" I asked bitterly.

"PMS has been scientifically proven. By that I mean, it has been proven that hormone levels are high during that time. That doesn't mean all women are going to act outright bitchy, or emotional. Hell, I get emotional when I watch old Yeller. I'm not a girl. Point is, Miss Karen, you have to be careful of what you let get you down." He said sighing.

"You know, I like what you said. You used to be a popular no good dumbass." I said smirking at him. "Now you come into my dirty bar and talk all smart like. It kind of makes you look good." I said smiling at him.

"Good enough for you to sleep with me?" he asked softly.

"And now you ruined it." I said as I turned to go.

"Sorry. I was just kidding." He said as he left.

"You better be. I know where you live." I said smiling as he closed the bar door.

"What was that about?" asked Georgie as he came walking over to me.

"He was just apologizing for being a jerk." I said as I walked past him.

"Glad you two are getting along. Did you sleep together?" Georgie asked.

"No. He said he was waiting for you. He has a boner for you, George." I said making the boy blush. "Don't fuck with me." I whispered as I smiled pleasantly at him. "I know how to use the boiling water in the back."

"Yes ma'am!" Georgie said as he ran off to go do whatever it is men do.

My work shift started. Soon, the boys I hated so much would come in and I would unleash a load of hell on them.

"Karen?" said a voice. I looked up. Right on queue.

"Yes, dear?" I asked Cartman as he stood in front of me.

"Can I get a scotch and soda?" he asked.

"Yes, just a moment." I said as I slowly got my stuff together.

"You doing okay? You're usually the fastest one in the bar." He commented.

"I'm having a bad day, okay?!" I shouted as I burst into tears.

"Uh…, did Kenny forget to fuck you?" he asked.

"No, Cartman. He was up all night muttering about how he really wanted to get with Teddy Cartman. He was really turned on for you, you know." I said wiping my eyes.

"Gross!" shouted Cartman as he ran out of the bar.

"So was that a scotch and soda?!" I shouted after him.

"You're losing our business." Georgie said softly. "Stop that."

"Dude, it's just Cartman." I said as I wiped my tears from my face. "It's not like he didn't have it coming for all the shit he said yesterday."

"I hate working with you." Georgie moaned.

"Oh, Georgie. This is why I get up to come here every morning. I love making your life miserable." I said as I slapped his ass.

"Get off!" he whispered.

"Karen! Hey!" said a familiar voice.

"Token!" I said smiling. "One of the very few men who's sane around here anymore." I said smirking. "What'll it be?" I asked.

"Hmm. I don't know. I think I'll stick with the usual Sake Bomb." He ordered.

"All right, bro. Coming right up." I said as Georgie got on making the drink.

"Hey, Karen. You forgot to pack dinner today." Said a familiar voice. "I brought you your favorite." Ahha. It was Kenny. My main Stooge. I smirked as I turned to face him fixing a pout on my face.

"I brought you chicken strips just like you like them." He said as he set the bag down on the bar.

"I hate chicken strips!" I shouted as I started to cry. "I've been looking for you to bring me dinner all day and you bring me chicken strips?!" I started to cry. "What does a woman in pain have to do here to get some respect and help?" I cried as I turned my back on him. "I don't want to see you again, Kenneth McCormick, unless you bring me back a box of KFC biscuits!"

"But that's all the way in Denver!" Kenny shouted. "I've been dry walling all day!"

"Well, I guess I know where I stand!" I sobbed. "You don't think I'm pretty, and you won't make the right tea or dinner for me! Fine! I'm moving out!"

"Karen, stop! I'll go get you the KFC!" Kenny shouted as he turned around and got ready to leave.

"Oh man." I gasped as I stopped crying. "I feel like Chinese food. No wait! Pizza. I want pizza! With soda and milk."

"Jesus, you sure you're not pregnant?" Georgie asked bitterly.

"Are you calling me fat?!" I cried out as I started to cry.

"Karen, may I please get a Pina Colada?" asked Arnie as he sat at his regular spot.

"I will get it when I'm good and ready!" I shouted winking at him.

"Yes." Arnie said as he looked down at his hands. "I'll wait right here."

"Karen, you wanna take the day off?" Georgie asked looking humiliated.

"You saying I'm slow?" I asked smiling at him. "I'll race you. I bet I can get Arnie's drink, plus that table over there with seven, plus eat my dinner in the next ten minutes." I said as all tears and sadness disappeared from my face. "Kenny, dear, thanks for the food, I'm starving." I said as I took the chicken strips and shoved one in my mouth whole.

"Damn woman!" Arnie and Georgie said at once as I started making drinks.

"Here's your drink, Arnie." I said as I plonked it down in front of him. "Gotta jet." I said dorkily as I ran off to make more drinks.

Two minutes later, I was eating a chicken strip as I carried a tray over to the table I had just waited on.

"Here's your Gin and Tonic, your margarita, your Hemmingway, your screw driver, your ginger ale, your long island ice tea, your bourbon with a twist." I said out of breath as I ran off while chewing.

"You win, Karen." Georgie said smiling at me.

"I am exhausted." I muttered as I sat down and finished eating my food.

"May I get some service over here?" Stan asked as he snapped his fingers.

"Yeah, hold on. I'll get the baseball bat and smash your face in." I said as I stood up. "Don't snap at us, Stanley. We're not dogs." I advised bitterly. "What do you want?" I asked.

"I want a bloody Mary." He ordered smiling at me.

"I want ice cream!" I said as I started to sob. "We can't all get what we want." I sobbed as I walked away.

"Here you go, Stan. I'm so sorry about this, I don't know what's gotten into her." Georgie said as he handed Stan his drink.

"What's gotten into me? Nothing." I said smiling at him. "I'm having a very good day. Are you?" I asked gleefully.

"No." Kenny and Georgie said at once.

"I am." Arnie said as he gave me a wide smile. "Someone once told me the grass was much greener…, on the other side." He said smiling at me. "You are brilliant Karen." He complemented.

"Thank you, Arn'. I didn't even have to take off my shirt for you to say that." I said smiling at him.

"May I get a Death in the Afternoon?" asked the mole as he sat down at an empty seat.

"I want ice cream." I said as I started making his drink. "Does anyone wanna go get me ice cream?" I asked.

"Let me!" Kenny said sarcastically. "Is there anything specific you would like, your majesty?" he asked.

"I want something with cherries in it. No, wait. Maybe something Vanilla. Nah. I'll have something fruity with orange." I said smiling at him. "I want ice cream from El Gardin." I ordered.

"I am not going all the way to Denver for an ice cream cone." He shot bitterly.

I started to cry. "I just wanted something orange!" I sobbed. "I'm in pain, and my panties are all full of bloody pads, and you can't even make one wish come true for me!" I sobbed.

"Karen?" asked a boy as he came walking into the room. "Why are you crying?" he asked.

"Because, Damien!" I sobbed. "I am surrounded by a bunch of stupid idiots!" I moaned. "Kenny among them."

"I don't get it." Kenny said sadly.

"PMS should not stand for what it stands for." I said as I wiped my eyes and stopped crying. "It should stand for, Please Move Slowly. Because some women get cramps so bad, that's what they have to do all day. Yet they don't get a break. You guys really ought to learn a bit about us. We really are not monsters." I said smartly. "I have one favor to ask you all. I love working here. You all love my working here, because I have a better memory than Georgie, and I'm faster. So in order to keep that good customer service, I do not ever want to hear any more remarks about a woman and her period. Do I make myself clear?" I asked bitterly.

"Yes." They all said softly.

"I'm not going to ask you for anything else, because even I know when to not give you too many impossible tasks." I said as I started making a drink. "But come on, you guys. We have a restaurant upstairs full of well-behaved non-savages. They can hear us through the vent all the time. Don't you think we should keep the bar talk to respectful things? If you guys have to talk nasty, at least leave women out of it." I said sadly.

"We don't talk that bad about them." Stan said defending himself.

"Stanley, do not start with me!" I shouted bitterly. "I remember very vividly one day last year before you got married to Wendy. You sat right there where Arnie is sitting now, and talked about the most wonderful threesome you had with two women. Dude, no one wants to hear that." I said bitterly.

"We come here to forget our troubles and talk smack. If we wanted to talk like civil men, we'd stay at home with our wives." Stan said looking around.

"Yes, Stan, I get that. But there are just somethings you don't speak of, when everyone and there brother can hear you within a two mile radius." I said bitterly as I handed the Mole his drink.

"We promise we'll try to keep everything cleaner from now on, and less offensive." Kenny said as he looked around. "I won't just sit there and let Eric say things either." He added as I opened my mouth.

"Let's hope so." I said as I went on to the next drink.

My work here…, is done.

When I went home with Kenny that night, I knew he was dying to tell me something. He didn't say anything, however, and I left it alone. Eventually, he would come to me, and tell me what was on his mind.

"Karen?" he asked as I got into my blankets. Apparently that time was now.

"What, Kenny? I'm really tired, and in pain." I moaned.

"I heated up your frog." He said as he came into my room.

Kenny plopped the frog down on my stomach, and I smiled.

"These things get pretty damn hot." I said feeling him. I took him and snuggled him against my abdomen. The pain was relieved by sixty percent instantly.

"Can we talk? I promise I'll be quick." He said softly.

"Sure. Go ahead, dude." I said as I closed my eyes.

"I'm really sorry about this week." He said truthfully. "I really should stick up for you more when Cartman says shit like that."

"Kenny, if you guys were insulting me, I wouldn't care. But Cartman's talking about women. That's not cool." I said bitterly. "If you insult one person, they have the ability to defend themselves or not. Wendy, Bebe, me and a lot of others that Cartman and Stan talked about don't have the ability to defend ourselves all at once. So…, do you see why it's shittyness on a massive scale?" I asked softly.

"Yes." He responded sadly. "You really did teach me a lesson." He muttered grinning. "I was so upset when I thought you were really gonna make me go all the way to Denver for ice cream." He confessed.

"Well, maybe you'll think before you let some jackass say all kinds of mean things about women's bodies." I answered softly as I closed my eyes for real this time.

"I learned my lesson." He claimed as he stood over me.

"No, honey." I said condescendingly. "No, you didn't. I'm going to have to teach you this lesson for years to come. Trust me."

"Can't you give me more credit than that?" he asked sadly.

"Does a bear shit on a toilet?" I asked smiling at him.

"You got a point." Kenny said as he turned to leave. "I'll be in the next room if you need anything." He said as he walked out.

'I love you, Kenny.' I thought as a ghost of the crush on Mysterion returned to my insides.


End file.
